True Reflection
by DancingPhalangess
Summary: Last Christmas, Rachel wished for Finn and this year it's as if nothing's changed. Like nothing happened between them. A Christmas assignment could bring about truths that Rachel thought could never be.


**Sorry in advance for anything that sounds 'too English' I am English :) Oh, and if you decide to review, please no spoilers past the Christmas episode. Ta :)**

The choir room buzzed with excited chatter as the members of the Glee Club arrived one by one, all eager for the meeting to start. The next day would be their last one until after Christmas, a time that almost everyone was looking forward to. Even the rest of the school didn't seem to pick on them as much around that time of the year, it was as if the whole atmosphere had changed. Everything felt calmer, but with anticipation hanging in the air, especially throughout the choir room. There was a sudden babble of laughter from the group, a laughter which one person did not join in.

Rachel sat alone, separated from the rest of the Glee Club by a few chairs. She didn't want to join in their talk, or hear their laughter. Christmas was never as much fun for her as it was for them anyway, and now she didn't even have anyone to celebrate with, she was dreading the holidays with something of a passion. She wanted the time to be over so no one would notice if she wasn't just as cheerful as they were because it was at Christmas she was expected to be the most happy. Everyone around her was laughing and smiling like there was nothing wrong with the world and Rachel knew she didn't fit in with them. Not anymore.

It wasn't as if she had ever really been at the heart of the group. She was the leader, but only due to her voice. Nothing else about her really made her one of _them_. Except for the fact that she was just as much of a misfit. More of one. A misfit in a group of misfits. It didn't get much lonelier than that. Rachel had never truly been friends with the others, but she'd gone along with the moves until now. But since losing Finn, the one person that had made her really feel as if she belonged, Rachel felt like an outsider once again. Someone who could watch their laughter, but not join in.

A sudden hush fell over the room as Mr Shue entered it, looking every bit as cheerful and in the mood for festives as the others. Rachel's heart sank. It wasn't that she didn't want to see others happy, but since it was her teacher's first Christmas alone she had hoped he'd be feeling the same way as her. They'd be nothing either of them could do about it, but at least she wouldn't feel so alone. But it seemed that Mr Shue was happier as he was; perhaps he'd found someone else.

"Listen up guys," he called loudly, although there was no need. Everyone had already lapsed into silence. "Now I know we're very close to Christmas break, and I wanted to give you an assignment to complete over the holidays," a collective groan ran through the choir room, "don't worry, it's not that sort of assignment. It has nothing to do with singing or Regionals. What I want you all to do is bring in the one thing that means the most to you out of everything you own. You're to bring it with you and leave it in this choir room over the Christmas break."

A confused silence met the end of Mr Shue's speech as everyone stared at him as if he had suddenly sprouted wings and flown to the top of the Christmas tree, but their teacher continued to look unphased, as if the eyes of twelve students were not fixed upon him in something that resembled horror.

"The idea of this assignment," he continued, "is to give you all an idea of what it's like for those who have nothing over Christmas. Now obviously I can't ask you all to live in a cardboard box outside the school, which is why I am doing the next best thing. Don't worry, all your things will be locked in my office, no one but myself will be able to get to them."

A mumble of chatter once again passed across the room as everyone exchanged ideas of what they were to bring in, but once again, Rachel didn't join in. She already knew what she was bringing, she'd known as soon as Mr Shue had told them what he wanted them to do and a few weeks ago, she would have been uncomfortable at the thought of having to part with it, especially to leave it in a place she couldn't keep her eye on, but now, she hardly cared. It wasn't as if Christmas break was going to be the best she'd ever had.

Just for a second, Rachel thought she felt Finn's eyes on her. She knew just where he was sitting. Three seats to the left of her, two rows up. But as soon as she flickered her own eyes to him, he had turned away again and Rachel was sure she had imagined it. He was slumped in his seat, exchanging banter with Puck, causing a pang of rejection to pulse through her. Puck had cheated twice. He'd slept with Quinn and kissed her, so how come he was forgiven? Perhaps she'd never been enough and he'd just wanted an excuse. Maybe he'd decided his reputation mattered more.

For the first time since it had begun, it didn't come as a disappointment to Rachel when the bell rung through the choir room, signalling the end of the meeting. She'd hardly heard a word Mr Shue or anyone else had said. Probably for the best in some ways. At least when she wasn't listening, she didn't have to hear Santana's comments and the raucous laughter of the rest of the group that always followed.

But even though the bell had gone and everyone else was getting up to go, Rachel didn't move. For once, she didn't care if she was late for her next period. There was something she had to do first. She had to let some of her feelings out while there was no one around and no neighbours to make a complaint. After making sure the choir room was completely clear of everyone, she called Brad to his piano, vaguely thinking that one day, someone had to ask for a song that he didn't know.

As the first notes were played, Rachel could feel the music filling her up as she got ready to sing, already feeling calmer than she had done in days. Music, it had such a power over her. It could make her feel things that nothing else could. It could relax her like even Finn hadn't always been able to, and that was why she loved it so much. When she sang, it was as if the words washed over her and nothing else mattered but herself and the song. Even when she was singing her own feelings, it was with a buzz that she got nowhere else. And afterwards, once she'd reached the climax of the song and the silence fell, for a few seconds she was able to do nothing but stand and let the feelings take her, allow herself to be caught in the moment before slowly being lowered back down to earth, calm and content.

_Share my life,  
Take me for what I am.  
'Cause I'll never change  
All my colors for you. _

Finn had done all those things. He had accepted her, looked past the fact that she could be a little selfish and too self assured, that she wasn't as pretty as Quinn and the other cheerleaders, or some of the other girls he could have. She'd thought those were the things he'd loved most about her, but again she'd been wrong. She'd allowed herself to be dragged in by someone who whispered all the things she wanted to hear and then dropped her. It was her fault, Rachel knew that, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

_I don't really need to look  
Very much further_

_I don't wanna have to go  
Where you don't follow.  
I will hold it back again,  
This passion inside.  
Can't run from myself,  
There's nowhere to hide.  
(Your love I'll remember forever.) _

As she sang, Rachel could feel everything she'd pushed down inside her, everything she'd been showing, but not expressing up until this moment spill out of her, splattering the walls with her broken heart.

_Don't make me close one more door,  
I don't wanna hurt anymore.  
Stay in my arms if you dare,  
Or must I imagine you there.  
Don't walk away from me.  
I have nothing, nothing, nothing  
If I don't have you, you_

Tears began to pour down her cheeks, all that she had been feeling since Finn had officially broken up with her finally spilling out when there was no one around to hear them. As much as Rachel liked to be in the spotlight, this was one time she preferred to be alone. She deserved what she got.

_I never knew  
Love like I've known it with you.  
Will a memory survive,  
One I can hold on to? _

All at once, the familiar silence that followed a song descended and just as she had always done, Rachel stopped. She hardly noticed as Brad scraped back his chair and left as the moment filled her up and the tears continued to leak slowly down her face. She didn't sit, she didn't move at all. She just stood there, frozen in the centre of the room alone with her tears. Just the way she wanted to be. Or perhaps it was all she was used to.

...

What seemed like years later, Rachel was cleaning out her locker ready for the Christmas break. School wasn't out until the next day, but she knew she'd never get everything she needed for the holidays home in one trip, so she was taking everything she wouldn't be using the next day in advance. After cramming as much as she could into her bag, she began to pile text books and folders into her arms, holding them like a shield in front of her chest as she slammed her locker shut and made her way down the hall.

They were a very ineffective protection. Rachel had barely moved three steps before Karofsky slammed into her so that everything in her arms flew out of her arms and littered the floor. At first, she didn't even react. It wasn't as if nothing like that had ever happened before, she got that and worse on a daily basis, at least it hadn't been a slushie. But there was something about the way he shoved her that day that made Rachel want to chase after him and slap him across the face if she thought it would have any affect on him.

Instead, she slowly sunk to the floor and began to gather together her things, frustration building up inside her more and more as people passed, kicking her things in all directions as they did. Most of them weren't doing it on purpose, they hadn't even seen her there, but somehow, that made it worse. They didn't even notice her. She was invisible to everyone. Nobody.

A hand suddenly swooped down and scooped up the remainder of her books and the person stood up, her things still in hand. In that moment, Rachel felt herself snap. Her temper boiled over and without even looking up, she lashed out with her foot, kicking the stranger on the leg with all of her strength. "Leave me alone!" She cried, and after hearing a gasp of pain, her books tumbled down around her.

Angrily, Rachel once again began to gather them up, her movements much faster and more furious. She'd had it with everyone, the anger was so strong she was physically shaking with it, she wanted to find something or someone and beat the shit out of them, it'd certainly make her feel better. But in the end it would do no good. The frustration would still be there. It wouldn't stop her being slushied, ignored. It wouldn't make Finn love her again.

A large hand covered hers, pausing her movements and stopping the tremble. The same hand that had picked up her books just moments ago. Rachel swallowed, hard and started down at their hands, one on top of the other. "Rachel?" His voice washed over her, calming her more than even the music had done. She shut her eyes and drew a deep, shaky breath trying to ignore the rush of feelings his touch and voice sent tearing through her. It wasn't as if he would be feeling the same.

"I'm sorry," she said at last. "I thought you were just some idiot taking my things. I didn't realise it was you." She half expected Finn to reply that he had been some idiot trying to steal her stuff, but his hand was still on hers, and the gesture was a comforting one.

"Are you okay?" He asked, softly, the same concern in his voice that was so familiar to Rachel, but something she hadn't expected to hear again. She bit her lip. If anyone else had asked her that question, she would have said no. She wasn't one to hide her emotions, her heart was usually worn in full view on her sleeve, but it was Finn and she'd broken his. What would she say anyway? _No, I'm not okay. I miss you so much it's like a burning in my chest, as if someone's left a gaping hole right in the centre of my being and not only can everyone see right into me and view all that I am, but the edges of the hole are so raw and so painful. I just want you to tell me you forgive me and smooth them over again. Put my heart back. _

In the end, she simply shook her head. A head shake didn't have to mean anything. It was just a no. An unsure no of someone who didn't want to draw attention to the fact they were saying no. If they wanted to do that, they would say it out loud.

There was a short, awkward silence as others continued to rush by them in the hallway, some even knocking into them as if they were invisible. Finn cleared his throat. "We might want to get up before we're crushed to death," he said, finally breaking the silence between them. He scooped up the remainder of Rachel's things and got to his feet, holding out a hand to help her up which she hesitantly took, as if she was expecting him to drop her.

The pair walked for a while in silence, but it wasn't an uncomfortable one. It was the sort between an old married couple who had passed the time of filling every second with chatter, having long since got to know each other inside out.

"Do you know what you're bringing for Mr Shue's assignment yet?" Finn asked. Rachel nodded and put her hand to her throat, pulling a thin gold chain around her neck from under her top. Dangling from it was a small gold star.

"My mom gave it to me when she gave me away," she explained. "Gold stars are kind of her thing too."

"I never knew she gave you that," said Finn after a few moments. "I always thought it was just something you got yourself or a present from your dads."

Rachel once again lapsed into silence. She didn't want to talk about her mother. She'd abandoned her once and then rejected her again, and although Rachel understood her Mother's reasons, she'd felt the awkwardness and loss herself, but that didn't make it hurt less. Her own mom had confessed that she wanted her daughter back, her baby. Not Rachel. She'd wanted her, but then she'd met her and changed her mind. Although she tried not to see it like she just hadn't been good enough, she couldn't help but think perhaps that was the real reason her mother had rejected her for a second time.

"So what about you?" Rachel said, suddenly to distract herself from thoughts of her Mother. Finn shrugged.

"I dunno. I mean, there's nothing I have that means so much to me I'd find it hard to live without over Christmas. The only thing I can think of is my dad's chair, but it'd be kinda hard to get that down the road and through the door." Rachel smiled; the first real smile she'd worn in days. But almost as soon as it had come, she wiped it away. She couldn't afford to let herself enjoy his company like she was. It wasn't going to last and as soon as he walked away, they'd go back to ignoring each other.

"There has to be something else that means something to you. Something more accessible. What would you really feel the absence of if you had to go all Christmas without?"

"I dunno Rach, there are things I use a lot, but they're just things. Stuff I could live without even if I'd be a little bored," Fin shrugged while Rachel rolled her eyes. He was such a typical boy. Not an ounce of sentiment in his body.

"This necklace is just a thing, but it's the only way I can feel close to my mother. When I wear it, I feel like she did truly love me once, a part of her wanted me."

That time, the silence that feel was uncomfortable. Some part of Finn wanted to say something comforting, but he couldn't think of anything. Telling Rachel that it was her Mother's loss just seemed inappropriate now, not to mention hypocritical. So they remained in silence for several more minutes. The painful type of silence that pleaded to be filled.

Rachel stopped in her tracks and blinked, surprised to find herself at her own house. Had they really walked all that way already? She'd been expecting Finn to leave her outside the school gates and go his own way and she'd been so absorbed in his company and her own thoughts that she hadn't noticed they'd carried on walking until now. She turned to Finn to collect back her books, struggling to think of something to say before he left.

"Thanks," she settled for after a few moments. It was lame, but better than the painful silence. Finn shrugged in reply. "You couldn't have carried all those home by yourself. Why do you have so many? School isn't even out until tomorrow."

"This isn't all of my things. I cleared out whatever I wouldn't be needing tomorrow so I wouldn't have to take everything home then."

Rachel sighed inwardly. Books? They were going to talk about books? Not even an interesting novel, but her text books. After months of dating and even longer flirting, leading the Glee Club together and shooting one another looks across the choir room, this was what their relationship had come down to. And all because of one lie. One stupid lie followed by a mistake. In the end, it had been Santana who had come between them, because although it was her kiss with Puck that broke them, she would never have done it if Finn hadn't lied to her.

It hadn't just taken two to break up their relationship, but four. Five if they counted Jesse. If it weren't for him she and Finn would have got together before he slept with Santana and none of it would ever have happened. But then she could blame her mother too and the chain could continue back and back until eventually she'd blamed everyone in the world but herself.

What were they even doing? Walking her home, carrying her books, lingering on the doorstep talking about nothing just so they didn't have to say goodbye. Those were all things they used to do. Used to. Not anymore. Rachel bit her lip and turned her eyes away from her ex boyfriend. The time for this was gone and they couldn't let themselves drift back there if it wasn't going to lead anywhere and she knew without having to ask that it never would. Finn had made his feelings clear. He wasn't going to forgive her, he didn't want her.

"I had better go inside," mumbled Rachel turning her back on Finn before she could be drawn in again and believe there was a chance for them. She had began to walk away when she heard him call after her. Just her name on his lips was enough to stop her in her tracks, but she didn't turn around. Looking back would only make her all the more reluctant to leave. She simply froze in her place, waiting for him to speak.

"Your mom was nuts to let you go again," Finn said to her back, wishing she would turn around so he could see her face before she left. He needed to see her to make up his mind before she was gone again and he could talk himself back out of everything that was going through his head. But Rachel didn't turn around. She didn't even say anything, she just left with a sudden burst of speed as she dashed to her front door and hurriedly slipped into the house and although he had been trying to comfort her, Finn couldn't help but feel he had said something wrong.

...

"Hey, Rachel," Finn's voice called after her as she made her way down the hall the next day. The last day before Christmas break and as a result the halls were buzzing much more than usual with kids glad to be getting out of school. Because of the noise, Rachel barely heard Finn call her, and if it had been anyone else, she wouldn't have done.

She spun around on her heel to see him heading towards her, fighting through the throng of students. Finn stopped right in front of her, and for a moment, neither said anything. He opened his mouth awkwardly and pushed his hands into his pockets.

"Look, I erm...I found something. Last night," he took his hand out of his pocket, pulling out a small square box which he held out to Rachel. She looked down at it without taking it.

"What's that?" She asked, quietly, tucking her hair behind her ear, nervously. Just seconds with the boy that still held her heart and all her defences had already came crashing down and she was torn between staying and making conversation for as long as possible and making an excuse right there and then to leave. But before she could say anything, Finn continued.

"It's what means most to me. What I don't want to spend Christmas without." Rachel said nothing. Why was he showing her? Was she supposed to look? "But instead of leaving it in the choir room, I want you to take care of it."

Rachel frowned softly, confused at the situation. "Why?" She said, still staring at the box with curiosity as if she expected something to spring from it.

"Can you just do this for me please? And...and when you're alone, take a look." Rachel's frown deepened. For once, it was her and not Finn who didn't have a clue what was going on. What on Earth could be so important that he wouldn't trust it to be safe inside Mr Shue's office. It'd be locked all holiday and it wasn't as if anyone was going to be inside the school. Reluctantly, she took the box from him, still staring as if trying to see through it. Before she could say anything, Finn turned and walked away, leaving her alone and holding the box and wondering what had just happened.

...

By the time Christmas Eve came around, the rest of the neighbourhood were in full festive swing and the weather bought a flurry of thick, heavy snow that showed no signs of stopping. A bitter, icy wind that rattled windows from the outside had stopped even carol singers from venturing outside and blizzard warnings had not long since been issued on the Weather Forecast. The road was empty of all cars and people, eerily deserted for a time so close to Christmas Day.

As the snow raged outside, Rachel sat in the safe confinement of her bedroom, curled on her bed, a large pink dressing gown wrapped around herself for warmth, left out of the Christmas spirit. Wham's 'Last Christmas' played on repeat, blasting out of her I-pod speakers, but she didn't even feel like singing along. She'd listened to the same song so many times over the holidays that she could recite all the lyrics backwards and even her dads were getting fed up of the noise.

This year, she'd been looking forward to spending Christmas in Finn's company. Being Jewish, she'd never been able to properly celebrate with the others and although she understood better now than she had when she was a child, it still made her feel left out when everyone else was rushing around doing last minute Christmas shopping, exchanging gifts and trying to keep the magic alive for Brittany for one more year.

With a bored sigh, Rachel reached for her school bag by the side of her bed and dragged it up and onto her lap, deciding that as long as she had nothing better to do she may as well get on with some of the work she'd been set over the holidays, something that everyone wanting to enjoy Christmas had been less than happy about. She emptied her bag onto her bed, searching for something that didn't require much thought. Since the holidays had begun, Rachel had barely been able to concentrate on anything for longer than twenty seconds.

Rachel flicked through her books, but could see nothing she'd be able to focus on or that she felt remotely like doing. She sighed again and scanned the pile of books and papers in front of her, her eyes finally coming to rest on something that stuck out from the rest of her things. Something that didn't look like a school book. It was a small, thin box. The same one Finn had given her on the last day at school that she'd put in her bag and pushed out of her mind until now. She wasn't sure she wanted to know what it was that meant so much to him.

Slowly, Rachel reached for the parcel, picking it up and simply holding it in her hands. A part of her longed to open it and find out what could be so important that he didn't even trust it in the care of Mr Shue, but another part of her wanted to keep it a secret for the very same reason. What if it was something that reminded him of Quinn? What if he had never fallen out of love with her? Maybe Rachel had just been his fall back. Someone to keep him amused while he got over Quinn.

_No, _Rachel told herself firmly. _He did love you, once, even if he doesn't anymore. You were more to him than that. _But no matter how many times Rachel told herself that, it was hard to believe it when he had thrown her away so easily. She'd done wrong, she knew that. But so had he, and Rachel had been prepared to work through things and give them another chance. Finn hadn't even done that, he'd chucked her there and then in the middle of the hallway. She'd chosen Puck because she knew if she offered herself on a plate to him he'd be more than willing to comply.

Rachel's fingers slipped under the lid of the box, prising it carefully off as the curiosity over took her. She flipped off the lid and stared down at the contents of the box and she froze, her breath catching in her throat. Her own face looked back at her, her eyes bewildered and lost, pain etched behind them, reflected in the glass of the small mirror that rested in the walls of the box.

In less than one minute, Rachel was out of the door having grabbed just her coat from the cupboard under the stairs and the parcel. Her feet were roughly stuffed into a pair of one of her dad's old boots and she was fighting her way through the blizzard. Without the aid of a scarf, the bitter wind bit at the exposed skin on her face, stinging it as if she was being slapped over and over, and painting it the same shade of red as if she was.

Several times she almost fell into the heavy blanket of snow and more than once she slid on hidden ice. It was the kind of cold that made her want to find the nearest indoor place and hide in there to wait the storm out, no matter whose company she would be in, but the thought of Finn and what she had just unwrapped kept her fighting through the weather. She had to see him.

Almost an hour later, Rachel's small fist pounded on Finn's door, pleading for him to be the one to answer. She didn't feel like explaining to his mother or Kurt what she was doing there at almost 11.00 Christmas Eve night with only her coat tossed casually on top of her pyjamas. To both her relief and shock, the door swung open suddenly with an annoyed looking Finn standing right there in front of her, staring down at her like she was some pesky carol singer.

But his face seemed to soften when he realised who it was. The frown left his face and a look of surprise and then confusion overcame it.

"Rachel, what are you doing here? It's late, you're not even dressed, you must be freezing, come-" his words were blocked suddenly on his lips, trapped by Rachel's own as she stood on her toes in the heavy and biting snow. But even before he returned the kiss, a warmth spread through her whole body and she no longer felt the cold or noticed the snow that clung to strands of her hair, soaking it.

But she did feel Finn's arms as they came to rest on her waist and his lips that returned the kiss. She felt it not just physically, but she also felt the raw hole that had been there since he'd left her standing alone in the hallway closing over, the gap sewing together, joining the jagged edges to create a perfect shape.

**My friend Ronnie helped me a little with this one, she gave me the song idea which prompted making it into a full blown one shot rather than the drabble it was originally going to be. And she's also bullied me into posting it so she can have a virtual gold star. I used to get them in primary school and they made working hard so much more worth it. Only they were real gold stars, well, not real ones. That would have been expensive. Just not virtual. Anyway, I feel I've strayed from the point.**

**Reviews are received with much love 3 You never know, something magical might happen if you do review :) **


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